I am the senior entomologist for the London Borough of Battersea. I have done this job for twenty two years, during which time most of my work has involved minor infestations and flea bites. In the last several years, however, I have been almost exclusively preoccupied by bees. Unfortunately this obsession has resulted in my current suspension from all duties, while my ‘capacity for satisfactory occupational function’ is investigated. My hope is that this statement will ease some of your concerns about my behaviour and show you that I am more than capable of fulfilling my obligations, and indeed, of taking action that may avert a disaster of Global proportions. I defy anyone to say that my activities are not in the very best interests of the people of Battersea whom I am paid to serve.
Though I dread the thought of losing my job, the current situation at least means that I have plenty of time to continue my investigation into bees. I hope to complete my report within the next few weeks so that the British Government can decide what to do. I may even send the report to the Commander-in-Chief of the British Armed Forces, in other words, Her Majesty the Queen. She, of all people should understand the urgency and seriousness of what I have discovered. She was after all, an active participant in the Second World War and knows what the threat of a hostile, not to say Fascist, invasion entails.
There’s no subtle way of putting this, so I’ll outline the main points of my report straight away:
Bees are not insects.
Bess are the main transportation and surveillance craft for a force of hostile aliens.
The biochemical communications of bees (via ‘primer’ pheromones) can be translated by me and the content is frequently alarming.
Bees (hereafter taken to mean their pilots/manufacturers) have deliberately made us dependent upon them for pollination, honey and beeswax.
Bees engage in terrorist suicide attacks everyday. In Britain alone there are 20-30 human deaths from anaphylactic reaction each year.
Bees have deliberately got some species addicted to honey – i.e bears and butterflies, this is a clever strategy to maintain control over diverse ecosystems.
Beekeeping is a joke – the reality is that bees ‘keep’ people.
If you do not believe these points (and I fully appreciate they are hard to swallow) I suggest you look at the following facts:
Bees have exceptional cognitive skills, they can open flower buds (it even says this on Wikipedia), form cognitive maps of environments and retain information over many days. They also have sophisticated associative learning abilities more commonly found in vertebrates.
They are not all harmless vegetarians – Vulture bees can and do live on meat, this may be factored into their long-term agenda.
Bees communicate subtle evaluations of nectar to one another through movement and odour. Even Aristotle observed their dance language, which seems to provide a critical commentary on the quality of resources.
Bees know how to build cells and hives – these demonstrate a high degree of intelligence and social organisation, as well as advanced mathematical insight. They understand geometric efficiency – they know how to minimise surface area in their hives, this is irrefutable evidence that they are not ‘dumb’ insects.
The caste system of bees is brutal and deterministic, there is no room for social mobility in bee society.
Bees therefore have a medieval social agenda that would set humanity back thousands of years if they ever got their way. It is obvious that we humans, especially the males, are earmarked as the future drones of a global bee hegemony.
So far I’ve told you the bad news about bees, now here are some positive facts and a few solutions I would like to suggest:
My communications with the CIA have paid off, it is no coincidence that ‘colony collapse disorder’ began shortly after I warned them about the real bee agenda. If only my supervisors at Battersea council were so open to the facts.
In addition to the secret CIA operations that have initiated colony collapse, I propose a breeding program for bee-eater birds and dragonflies. These animals enjoy eating bees, and, if encouraged, will seriously deplete the Bee fleet. We should also deploy assassin bugs and crab spiders who can hide in flowers and kidnap bees. This may give us useful leverage. I suggest using isolated islands as holding centres for bees, such as the Falklands, Svalbard or Diego Garcia. With my translation services the bees could successfully undergo interrogation and tell us the full extent of their colonisation plans.
As one third of the human food supply is dependent on insect pollination which is predominantly undertaken by bees, intelligent measures will have to be taken to replace them. I propose boosting the world population of beetles, butterflies and pollen wasps (they were
the main pollination agents before bees came along) robotic pollinating mechanisms and trained pigeons can augment the work of the natural pollinators.
Small pigeons could be selectively bred to become fuzzy and carry an electrostatic charge, which will aid in the adherence of pollen to their legs, as is the case with bees. These ‘pollinator pigeons’, as I like to call them, will obviously have to be bred for hairiness and extra leg thickness as most pigeons have short, skinny legs. More details will be provided in the report.
Finally, I would like to add that I have endured years of harassment from my colleagues, including jokes about Aspergers syndrome, buzzing sounds made behind my back and plastic spiders hidden in my morning tea. While I can appreciate a joke as much as the next man, I do not think the prospect of an alien bee dictatorship is a laughing matter. Nor do I think a world ruled by bees and their authoritarian bee masters would be amusing for the colleagues who have mocked me. I hope this victimisation, as well as the facts I have outlined about the true nature of bees and their agenda for imperial dominance, can be taken into consideration at my forthcoming employment tribunal.